Straightforward, Crooked Absurdity
by Let's Call Her The Tarryn
Summary: “You love him.” Casey said. “WHAT?” I thought I was going to keel over. Drop dead, right then and there. Three simple words, and I felt like I was just going to fall over, straight dead. Except, apparently, not so straight, according to Casey. SLASH!


OKAY! I've been interested in attempting this for a while now, but was never sure if I could pull it off. But I stumbled across a LwD slash fic that I'd already read, today, so I read it again: Superunknown. It's an absolute incredible oneshot, and it inspired me to finally give it a shot. SLASH. So if you're offended with that, stop reading. Ah, okay, I'm plunging into something new with this! Ack! In all truth, it's actually pretty humorous, lacking in a lot of the angst I would usually have in something like this. BE BRAVE, TAKE A CHANCE! Try it, and see what you think! Oh, well. Hope you guys like it!

.I own nothing.

x—x

I always thought I hated Casey. I thought nothing would ever change how I felt. Nothing in the world could happen, nothing she could say, or do, would ever change that. She was just so damn annoying and frustrating, I couldn't think anything but loathing and profound contempt was possible when it came to Casey.

But I was wrong.

I was wrong, because Casey gave me the one thing I hadn't really ever had. She served it to me like it was on a silver platter: Love.

Not _her_ love. So don't get all excited that this might be some incestuous tryst kind of thing. Oh, no.

It's much juicier than that.

She saw it way before the thought ever entered a fifty mile radius of my entire hemisphere. Hell, if it wasn't for Casey, I probably never would have thought of it at all. It was _that_ absurd.

"You love him." Casey said.

"WHAT?"

I thought I was going to keel over. Drop dead, right then and there. Three simple words, and I felt like I was just going to fall over, straight dead.

Except, apparently, not so straight, according to Casey.

"You love him! It's so obvious." Casey said, putting a hand on her hip, staring at me like I was the biggest idiot in the universe.

At this point, still feeling the overwhelming sense that gravity was going to knock me right over, I decided the best thing I could do would be to burst out laughing.

So I did.

Which only caused Casey to place a palm to her forehead and shake her head as if she felt sorry for me. _Felt sorry for me. _Which only increased my feeling that she thought I was a huge ignoramus.

"You are so stupid." She said, still shaking her head.

See? I was right.

"How am_ I_ stupid? _You're _the one announcing a quite moronic notion that I'm in love with my best friend." I said. Okay, that sounded intelligent enough.

"It's true! You love him,-"

"I wish you would stop saying that."

"And that's why you hated it so much when I wanted to date him. He was yours. He was off limits-"

"He's my best friend! Of course I'd want to keep him away from your psychotic corruption!"

"Because you want him for yourself. Maybe it's subconscious with you. Like you don't even realize that you watch him when you see him enter a room, or when he does nearly anything."

I can't believe she just kept talking like I never even said anything.

"This is ridiculous." I said.

"Is it?" She asked.

Uh, if I didn't think so, I wouldn't have said it.

Which is what I told her. To which she replied,

"If I didn't think so, I wouldn't have said it, either."

Ooh. Touche'.

"How could you possibly think I'm gay? Have you not been witness to all the girls I've been with?" I ask.

It's true! I'm a God with the ladies. How could she think I was in love with _Sam _when I was always scoring with some girl.

"You're overcompensating." She shrugged.

Shrugged. As if the answer was the most simple thing in the world.

"Excuse me?"

"Overcompensating. All the girls. It's a cover. Just like the whole "I'm _The Great _Venturi." It's your subconscious' way of warding off gaydar."

Okay, now this is just _way_ too much.

"You know, Casey, you're just too much." I said.

She rolled her eyes.

"Whatever Derek, but I'm right. You just didn't realize it. Watch. Next time you see Sam, it's going to be the only thing you can think about, you're going to be nervous and weird, and you're actually going to consider that I'm right when you wonder what it would be like with him." She prattled matter-of-factly.

"Casey, you just said that I'm in love with him. Don't you think that's going to make me feel a wee bit awkward around him?" I asked.

"Not if I'm wrong. If I'm wrong, you should be fine. You should be able to tell him what I said, so that you can sit and laugh about how crazy and ridiculous I am." She said. "If I'm wrong."

"Oh, you're wrong." I said. "You're most definitely wrong."

But she just shrugged and said 'sure' in this unconvinced way, and walked away.

She walked away from me. Just like that. Away from the conversation we had been having.

That girl. I just don't get it. The fuse that made people normal just didn't take with her.

"You're wrong!" I yelled, even though I was alone, and I'm sure she was too far away to hear me. But I didn't care. Because she was wrong. And I was going to prove it.

I grabbed the phone and dialed the number I knew by memory.

My heart was beating furiously, as if it were mad at me, and trying to punish me, when the phone rang the first time.

By ring number two, I was slightly short of breath.

Ring three and my hands were sweating, making my grip on the phone awkward.

I was a ring away from losing my nerve and hanging up, when he answered.

"'Ello." he said.

"Hey, Sam." I said.

"Hey, dude."

"You doing anything later?" I asked.

"Um, I don't think so." he answered.

"You want to come over and hang out?" Heart: Beating the crap out of me.

"Sure. I'll stop by in a little bit." Sam said.

"Yeah, okay." It's going to burst out of my chest in a bloody, gory mass. I know it.

"Dude, are you okay?" Did I sound nervous? Why would I be nervous? It's _Sam_.

"Yeah, I'm fine. See you in a bit."

And I hung up.

Then I put the phone down, and then let myself collapse on the couch.

Crap, what was that all about?

" You _loove_ him." Casey popped out around the corner and sang.

I hate it when she does that.

"SHUT UP!" I yelled, and I threw the phone. I missed.

She looked at the phone on the floor, several feet away from her. Okay, so I _really _missed.

She shook her head and sat down on the couch next to me. I scooted away.

"When's lover boy coming?" She asked.

I could kill her. It'd be all too easy. Strangulation at best.

"_Sam _is coming over in a little bit." I said through gritted teeth.

Casey sat there smiling at me in this excessively annoying manner that made me want to push a pillow over her head. She was like that freaking Cheshire Cat. And I had wanted to shoot that damn thing out of the tree. So it's a pretty accurate comparison.

"What?" I asked annoyed by the staring.

"You want to see if I'm right." She grinned.

"Oh, God." I sighed, slumping my head back against the couch.

"That's why you invited him. And you're already losing! You were freaking out just over the phone. You're totally beginning to feel the symptoms of your love for him! Admit it." She said.

I glared at her. I glared mightily. I wasn't admitting to shit. I didn't have anything to admit to. I was a straight as a needle.

"You're going to freak out when he gets here and you won't know what to do with yourself." Casey laughed.

She's messing with me!

"I'm serious." She said. Like she read my mind.

"I have known Sam my whole life. I have nothing to freak out about." I said tersely.

"Uh huh." She says in that 'I-totally-don't-believe-you-so-I'm-going-to-be-sarcastic' kind of way.

I glare once more.

"He's a good kisser, you know." She said.

I could feel myself turning red. Seriously! Why was she doing this to me?

"Gross, Spacey." I murmured.

"He does this thing with his tongue-"

OH MY GOD.

"Casey, shut up!" I cried.

"He sort of massages you. He's got roaming hands, too. They feel-"

I was _this_ close to covering my ears and screaming 'LA LA LA'.

"God, shut up!" I said, throwing a pillow at her head. At least this time I actually hit her.

She simply moved the pillow aside and smiled at me. Seriously. She just _smiled._

"You're Satan." I said bitterly.

"You wish." She continued to smile. "Just like you wish I wasn't right."

"You're not!" I snapped. And then there was a knock on the door and my heart jumped.

She must have noticed my reaction, because she stood up, still smiling. "Have a good time." She said. "Play nice."

"I hate you!" I said.

"You love him!" She retorted as she disappeared from the room.

I shook my head angrily, but the anger was seemingly diminished when there was another knock. Trying to compose myself, and convince myself that I was being ridiculous, and got up to answer the door. When I opened it, there was Sam, looking no different than he always did.

You know, except for that he seemed to be bathed in a warm glow. That's gotta be new, right?

"Hey." He said. He walked passed me and into the house. As he brushed against me, I shivered.

I hate Casey!

We both ended up sitting on the couch. Just sitting. Silently. Not talking. Not moving.

Me; not breathing.

I really, really hate Casey.

"So..."

"Are you okay?" Sam asked me.

Am I okay? Of course. It's just that my annoying stepsister, you know, your ex, thinks I'm gay and in love with you. Why wouldn't I be okay?

"Yeah, I'm fine." I choked on my own words.

This is ridiculous.

"Yeah, I'm really not getting the 'Yeah, I'm fine' vibe from you." Sam said.

"As long as you're not getting the 'Casey planted the seed that I'm in love with you in my head, and now I'm freaking out' vibe, I don't really care."

"What?" Sam asked.

"What?"

"What did you just say?" Sam asked.

I looked at him blankly.

"About Casey saying you loved me." Sam said.

OH MY, GOD.

"I said that out loud?" I asked frantically.

"Um, yeah." Sam said, awkwardly.

Well, this is just great.

"Well, this is just-" I was cut off by Sam's lips.

Let me repeat: I was cut off by Sam's lips.

THAT MEANS HE KISSED ME.

My body stiffened, I was shocked. 'OH MY, GOD' flooded my mind. Scarily enough, it was quickly replaced by 'Wow, his lips are soft'.

And I was then kissing him back.

Yes, I, Derek Venturi, The Great Ladies Man, was making out with my best friend.

Sam was the one who pulled away, looking very flustered and embarrassed, trying to murmur apologies...

And I was the one to pull his head back down to mine and kiss him some more.

We only broke apart when we heard Casey's annoying voice.

"Aww!" She said. "Well, look at that! See, Sam! And you were all worried. I _told_ you he felt the same!"

"What?" I asked?

"Nothing." Sam said quickly. "Go away." He addressed Casey.

"What? No thank yous?" She asked.

Sam and I looked at each other. "No." We said at the same time.

"Geez, aren't the two of you ungrateful." She said in mock anger. "Remind me not to go to your guy's wedding."

"Casey..." I warned, feeling colour flood to my cheeks. Come on, this was all kind of weird. I had just been making out with Sam.

Why wouldn't Casey just go away so we could continue?

...See? This is really weird.

"Fine, fine." She said, raising both hands in the air. "Well, you're both idiots, anyway. I foresee a very compatible relationship."

"Casey!" I said.

"Bye now. Have a nice, hot, boy on boy make out session." She smiled and slipped out of the room before I could try and throw something at her again.

"God she is so-" My sentence was cut off by Sam's lips catching my own.

_God she is so unimportant right now. _I thought to myself as both our hands became wrapped around each other's necks and deepened the kiss.

Casey's still annoying, but I thank her for being annoying on that particular occasion.

Plus, she usually tends to get bored and go away now, when me and Sam make out in front of her, ignoring everything she says.

So that's nice.

x—x

Hahahahaha. Okay, I extremely enjoyed writing this. It's sort of awkward, but I don't care. It was so much fun for me! (:

Review, loves.

-Tarryn


End file.
